Okay, imagine we’re sitting down for coffee, and I’m just spilling about this whole memoir-writing thing, you know?
So, like, staring at that blank page? It’s wild. It’s like, “Come on in, make yourself at home,” but also, “Oh my god, what fresh hell is this?” When you’re trying to write a memoir, your whole life comes flooding in, right? Every single memory, every big thing that happened, even those tiny, fleeting thoughts that pop up. And they all just scream for a spot in your book.
But here’s the kicker: a memoir isn’t just, like, a list of stuff that happened in order. Nah. It’s more like a really fancy, well-thought-out story that’s trying to show something important, or figure out a big idea, or trace how you totally changed. The real magic isn’t just writing pretty words (though, yeah, that helps!). It’s the super hard, sometimes totally brutal, process of picking. This whole guide I’m about to share? It’s gonna be your secret weapon. It’ll give you the ways to think, the questions to ask, and the actual steps to take so you can really nail down which stories get that VIP pass into your memoir, and which ones – even though they mean the world to you – just have to stand outside.
The Groundwork: Knowing What Your Memoir is REALLY About
Before you even start digging through a single memory, you’ve gotta get super clear on the core of your memoir. If you don’t, honestly, every single story is gonna look equally important, and your book will end up being, well, kind of a mess.
Find Your Big Question: What’s Your Memoir’s Point?
Every really good memoir, even if it’s not screaming it at you, is trying to answer a central question. Like, it’s not a school essay title, don’t worry. It’s more like a constant nagging thought that your life experiences are helping you explore.
- For example: Is your memoir trying to figure out, “How do you put your life back together after something huge falls apart?” Or maybe, “What does true grit look like when everything is rigged against you?” Or even, “How do the things that happen when you’re little mess with how you love when you’re grown up?”
Once you can actually say what that big question is, then every potential story has to prove itself. If it doesn’t help answer that question, it probably doesn’t belong. Simple as that.
Figure Out Your Memoir’s Themes: The Threads That Tie It All Together
Themes are like those repeating ideas, feelings, or insights that are woven all through your story. They make it feel connected and deep, giving your stories layers of meaning. Your big question is the main goal, but themes are the specific lenses you’re using to look at your life through.
- Here’s what you can do: Brainstorm 3-5 big ideas or feelings that keep popping up in your life. Do you see patterns of bouncing back, being betrayed, forgiving someone, discovering yourself, family hurt that travels through generations, wanting to achieve something, feeling like you belong, or realizing things aren’t what they seem?
- For example: If your memoir’s big question is “How do you find your place when you’ve always felt invisible?”, your themes could be “the perfect lie,” “the bravery of being real,” and “the power of the people you choose as family.”
Seriously, every story you even think about including should clearly show or explore at least one of these themes. If a story is just a random anecdote with no deeper meaning, it’s probably out.
Pinpoint Your Transformation: Your Character’s Journey (Which is YOU!)
A memoir, at its heart, is about change. Your story isn’t just a bunch of stuff that happened; it’s about seeing how you changed, inside or out. What were you like at the beginning of this story, and how are you different by the end?
- Before: What was your main belief, your biggest struggle, or your general vibe when your memoir starts?
- The Spark/Kick-off: What event, or series of events, started your whole transformation?
- The Up-hill Battle/Challenges: What difficulties, choices, or discoveries pushed you forward on your journey?
- The Big Moment: That peak tension, revelation, or huge decision.
- The Aftermath/Resolution: How did your life change because of it, and what new understanding did you gain?
Every story you include has to serve as a step along this path. Does it show a bit of who you were at first, introduce a problem, mark a turning point, or reflect your new understanding? If a story just exists outside of this flow, it messes with the rhythm.
The Filter Method: Checking Each Story Against Your Core
Now that your foundation is solid, you can start really sifting through those individual memories. This method isn’t about being mushy; it’s about whether the story actually helps your book.
Filter 1: Does It Directly Help Answer Your Big Question?
This is your first, most important filter. If a story doesn’t shed light on or contribute to the answer of your memoir’s big question, it’s immediately suspicious.
- Real-life example: If your big question is “How do you get over a mind-numbing fear of public speaking?”, a story about your first failed science experiment, even if you remember it vividly, probably doesn’t help. Unless that failure directly caused or made your fear of speaking worse, or somehow made you overcome it. But a story about, say, throwing up before a school presentation? That directly shows the fear.
Filter 2: Does It Show One of Your Main Themes?
Each story should work as an example or exploration of one of your chosen themes.
- Real-life example: If “the struggle to feel accepted” is a theme, a story about being left out of a childhood game by other kids perfectly illustrates it. A story about your pet, while sweet, doesn’t, unless the pet somehow symbolizes or helps your journey toward acceptance. The key is how the story connects.
Filter 3: Does It Move the Story Along the Transformation Arc?
Every story you put in has to push your character (that’s you!) through your transformation. It should reveal something new about how you’re feeling inside, introduce a challenge, mark a turning point, or show what happened because of something you did.
- Real-life example: If your story arc is about going from depending on others to being independent, a story about you finally standing up to a controlling parent moves that arc forward. A story about a vacation where absolutely nothing important happened, while part of your timeline, does not advance your story.
Filter 4: Does It Show Who You Are and Why You Do Things?
Memoirs are super personal. Readers connect with human stuff, and that means understanding who you are and why you do what you do. Stories have to reveal your personality, your screw-ups, your strengths, your reasons, and your inner battles.
- Real-life example: Instead of just saying “I was shy,” a story about how you avoided eye contact in class and mumbled when called on shows your shyness and its impact. A story about a big win that doesn’t show your effort, your vulnerability, or your persistence might be less powerful than one that does.
Filter 5: Does It Push the “Plot” Forward (Even in a Memoir)?
Even without a typical made-up “plot,” memoirs still progress. Things happen, decisions are made, consequences unfold. Does the story set up something later, fix an earlier problem, or give important background for what’s coming next?
- Real-life example: A story about you saving money meticulously for a specific goal is important if that goal is a huge part of your memoir’s later events. If the money was saved and then spent on something randomly silly that has nothing to do with your arc, the saving story isn’t useful for your narrative.
Filter 6: Is It Absolutely Necessary for the Reader to Understand?
Sometimes, a story isn’t directly tied to a theme or your arc, but it gives crucial background. If it’s not there, the reader would be confused or lost.
- Real-life example: If a big chunk of your memoir is about a complicated family dynamic, a story introducing key family members and their roles, even if it’s not super dramatic, might be essential for the reader to keep up. But only give the necessary context; don’t go overboard with backstory that has no real connection to your main story.
The Pruning Process: Being Ruthless and Smart About What You Leave Out
Even after all those filters, you’ll still have way too many stories. This is where the magic of leaving stuff out becomes key.
Find and Cut Out Duplication
If three different stories make the exact same point or illustrate the same theme in a similar way, pick the strongest, most memorable, or most impactful one.
- What you can do: Group similar stories together. Which one has the coolest imagery, the best reflection, or the most important turning point? Get rid of the others.
- Example: If you have five stories showing your dad’s bad temper, pick the two or three that most powerfully show different sides of this or lead to clear consequences, instead of including all five.
Know the Difference Between Random Anecdotes and Crucial Story Stuff
Lots of personal memories are just charming little anecdotes – funny, interesting, or heartwarming. But if they don’t serve the specific purpose of your memoir, they’re just distractions.
- Ask Yourself: Is this story just “a cool thing that happened,” or does it move my big question, theme, or arc forward? If it’s the first one, save it for parties or a different project.
Embrace the Power of Suggestion
You don’t need to spell out every single instance of a repeated behavior or feeling. Sometimes, showing a pattern with one or two strong stories, and then mentioning or summarizing other times, is much more effective.
- Real-life example: Instead of telling every single argument with a difficult sibling, tell one or two key arguments in detail to establish the pattern, then summarize how often the conflict came up instead of dragging out every instance. “These arguments became a familiar rhythm, each one echoing the last, yet none ever truly resolving.”
Think About Your Reader’s Experience
A memoir is for the person reading it. What stories will really connect with them? What will make them care, feel what you’re feeling, or learn something? Too much detail that’s only important to you, even if it’s super personal, can push readers away.
- Ask Yourself: Does this story have a universal human truth? Does it make people feel something? Will it bore the reader?
The “So What?” Test for Every Story
After you pick a story, ask yourself: “So what? Why should the reader care about this specific event?” If you can’t clearly explain a reason tied to your memoir’s core, it’s a huge sign to get rid of it.
- Example: Story: “I bought a new car.” “So what?” “It was the first big purchase I made after becoming financially independent, symbolizing my new-found freedom after a decade of debt.” (Keep!) Story: “I bought a new car.” “So what?” “It drives well and is red.” (Ditch it!)
Smart Inclusions: Beyond the Obvious
While cutting stuff out is critical, there are specific types of stories that, when used strategically, make a memoir so much better.
The Origin Story (But Be Picky!)
The beginning of your memoir often needs context – where did you come from? But this isn’t your family tree. It’s about setting the scene for your transformation.
- What you can do: Only include the parts of your background that directly link to the main conflict, theme, or personality traits you’re exploring in your memoir.
- Example: If your memoir is about healing from family trauma that spans generations, stories about your grandparents’ experiences coming to a new country might be super relevant. If it’s about changing careers, your family’s job history might be less so, unless it directly influenced your first career choice.
The Starting Point
This is the event or realization that kicks off the central conflict or journey of your memoir. It’s the moment life as you knew it completely changed.
- Real-life example: For a memoir about recovering from addiction, the starting point might be hitting rock bottom. For a memoir about finding your purpose, it might be a sudden, unexpected chance or a deep feeling of disappointment with your current path. This story is non-negotiable.
Moments of “Small” But Important Revelation
Not every powerful story is a dramatic turning point. Sometimes, a quiet moment of understanding, a subtle shift in how you see things, or a brief conversation can be incredibly revealing.
- What you can do: Look for moments where your understanding changed, even a little bit, or where a subtle detail about someone’s character was revealed. These can be powerful.
- Example: A quiet chat with an old neighbor that sparks a realization about how short life is, feeding into a theme of seizing opportunities.
Moments of Failure and Vulnerability
Readers connect with realness. Your struggles, your mistakes, your moments of doubt and despair are often just as, if not more, compelling than your triumphs. They show your growth and that you’re human, just like them.
- What you can do: Deliberately include stories where you made mistakes, felt pain, or were truly exposed. These build empathy and show your character’s journey authentically.
- Example: A story recounting a humiliating professional failure, and how you dealt with it inside, gives way more insight than a boring account of getting a promotion.
Sensory Details and Specifics
While not a “story” by itself, putting rich sensory details into your chosen stories makes them pop. Instead of saying “it was a cold day,” describe the biting wind, the frost on the windows, the smell of burning wood.
- What you can do: As you write each story you’ve chosen, pause and think: What did I see, hear, smell, taste, touch? What specific feelings were there? These really put your reader in your shoes.
- Example: Instead of “I was nervous,” write “My stomach churned with a metallic taste, my palms slicked with sweat, and I could hear my heartbeat drumming in my ears like a desperate drum.”
The Multi-Pass Review: Perfecting Your Choices
Picking stories isn’t a one-and-done thing. You’ll go over it again and again.
First Go: The Brain Dump and First Sort
Just write down every important memory that comes to mind, no matter what. Then, broadly apply your main filters (Big Question, Theme, Arc).
Second Go: The “Must-Haves” vs. “Maybes”
Figure out the stories that are absolutely, undeniably essential for your memoir’s main purpose. These are your anchors. Then, separate the “maybes” – stories that feel important but haven’t totally justified their spot yet.
Third Go: The Read-Through for Flow
Outline your chosen stories. Do they create a captivating, cohesive narrative? Are there gaps? Is there too much repetition? This is where you check the overall pace and progression.
- What you can do: Make a timeline or a story map. Plot your chosen events. Does it tell a clear, engaging story from beginning to end?
Fourth Go: The Impact Check
Read through your selected stories. Does each one have an emotional or intellectual impact on you, the writer? If not, it’s probably not going to have one on the reader. Does it resonate with the deeper meaning you’re trying to convey?
Fifth Go: The Editor’s Eye (Distance is Your Friend!)
Step away from your manuscript for a few days, or even weeks. Come back to it with fresh eyes, pretending you’re a really discerning reader. Are there any parts where your attention drifts? Are there stories that seem to derail the main point? This objective distance is priceless.
The Stories You Leave Behind: Storing Them With Respect
It can feel really painful to leave out cherished memories. But understand this: leaving a story out of this memoir doesn’t make it less personally important or stop you from using it for something else later.
- Create an “Attic” File: Put all your left-out stories in a separate document. This frees you from the emotional burden of deleting them forever. They might inspire future essays, short stories, or even a totally different memoir!
- See Their Purpose: Some memories exist purely for you – for your healing, for your understanding. Their purpose isn’t always to be shared publicly. Respect that difference.
- Stay Focused on the Core: Remind yourself that every story you don’t include makes the stories you do include stronger, more focused, and ultimately, more impactful for your reader.
Final Thoughts
So, choosing which stories to put in your memoir isn’t just about putting things in order. It’s about deep intention. It’s a tough process of asking yourself hard questions, shaping your narrative, and thinking empathetically about your reader. By firmly defining your memoir’s big question, main themes, and how you change, and then using this layered filtering system, you move past the chaos of memory and into the world of compelling, resonant storytelling. The stories you pick aren’t just events; they’re the carefully chosen brushstrokes that paint the masterpiece of your truth. Embrace the challenge of leaving things out, trust your inner storytelling compass, and create a memoir that is both incredibly personal and universally meaningful.